Reflections 7-17-14

I suppose this is going to be more of a reflection of anything else or rather a bit of self-loathing which is always good fodder for comedy.

Nothing probably inspires comedy more then self-loathing or some sort of troubled life. Absent of any sort of substance abuse in my life I'll stick to the self-loathing part. Generally, I wouldn't say I'm the most miserable person but I certainly am self-concious of the what I say and do around people. I probably self-analyze more than any other person that I know.


There are probably more times in my life that I regret than I can generally say I was better off acting like an ass... of course I continue to make an ass out of myself. Case in point I live alone in a town where I have no close friends (albeit one) and my nearest relative is almost an hour away. Needless to say I get very, very lonely to the point where I find myself taking more interest in Facebook than ever before.

I miss people and am making a true blue effort to meet a girl, have a relationship and be miserable about something else. My type of self-loathing generally works well for me in first impressions since it comes off as humorous and slightly fictional.  People realize later on that I'm mildly neurotic and need constant attention like a baby.

I realize this is a huge weakness because I come off as overbearing and probably slightly creepy. Just about every successful couple I know the boyfriend selfishly makes time for himself and appeared uninterested in the very beginning. I guess this is a good way to not get hurt and secretly it is the male playing the role of hard to get and not the often perceived other way around. I'm flawed because I probably have more female yin than the male yang swirling through my body.

Woo-woo aside I don't aggressively pounce and the passive rejection by people affect me a great bit. This all makes for great comedy but a not so great self-esteem. I'm an unfortunate recipient of being pretty talented at a lot of things I do but lack the courage to pursue anything to the point where failure becomes an option.

Girls continue to baffle me. I'm not hideous by any means but I do well with girls until I start showing that I'm interested. Somewhere in there I come off as a myopic rapist stalker type or I can't keep my mouth shut and become a judgmental asshole.

I of course rally against this sort of behavior but have probably engaged in it more then I'd like to admit.  Regardless, I write this because I feel like the few people I've met here that I felt maybe I could connect with and eventually have a relationship have been sabotaged me or that I'm simply too much inside my own head and just can't let things flow more organically.