little penis

I am not a cocky guy... in fact I would say I am the opposite of cocky. I'm the sort of guy who is self-deprecating and has just enough hatred towards himself that I figured I'd come up here to talk to you tonight and try to get booed off stage... o.k. no one is booing.... I guess I'm still doing alright.

So, I have some friends who are cocky and they are the type of guys that like to talk about how big their cock is. Now I've heard the argument that having a big cock really doesn't mean anything when it comes to the bedroom... shit I've heard that it kind of hurts and is uncomfortable... but I wouldn't know I haven't taken any large cocks into my body lately.

update

I originally started this blog as a way to practice writing jokes for stand up. I've not really been too inspired as of late and haven't even taken the plunge yet to get on stage. To say the least I've made excuses with work, family, friends and the like.

I wish I had a real excuse for why I haven't gotten up there yet but really the only reason is that the idea has been absent from my mind.

Remembering Robin Williams

I've been really absent when it comes to blogging in recent months. Perhaps it is because I lost a paid blogging job just a little over a month ago so writing these things have been less on my mind.

I never stop writing however since it is part of what I do professionally and also what I do sometimes therapeutically. I've been working on writing a book and I do quite a bit of journaling as well. The book may end up being utter garbage but it is a good exercise to attempt. I figure if I can finish writing a book I can finish doing just about anything.

Anyways, this article I  write here today isn't about trying to be funny and work out some silly joke I hope to use in a stand-up routine one day. No this article is probably a tad sadder than most.

Stop trying to be funny

I hate people who think they are funny so you can imagine why I hate myself so much. Of course the only reason I think I'm funny is because people actually tell me that I'm funny and make them laugh.

Reflections 7-17-14

I suppose this is going to be more of a reflection of anything else or rather a bit of self-loathing which is always good fodder for comedy.

Nothing probably inspires comedy more then self-loathing or some sort of troubled life. Absent of any sort of substance abuse in my life I'll stick to the self-loathing part. Generally, I wouldn't say I'm the most miserable person but I certainly am self-concious of the what I say and do around people. I probably self-analyze more than any other person that I know.

I feel gross when I watch porn

Everyone has their vices and for me one of those vices like a lot of guys is I like to watch internet pornography. I'm a huge proponent of it and think that a couple of naked people rolling around is pretty harmless.

Tranny Porn

I'm going to be completely honest I don't understand the appeal of tranny porn. I'm not saying that I am against transvestites, transgendered or any other type of bi-gender or no-gender classification. I just don't get the appeal of tranny porn.

Reflections 7-15-14

I haven't been working too hard on my stand up routine lately and that may just because I've been busy with summer. Actually, that isn't really much of an excuse because I should be writing more. Generally, I'm working harder at being humorous in conversation almost to the point where I am probably forcing it.

Hipster Hate

Does anyone know what a hipster is? I mean really what is the definition of a hipster? Is it just someone who wears vests and bow ties? Do you have to be a fan of Billy Murray?

blow jobs and amateurs

When I look for someone to date the first thing I'm really interested in is how many people they have slept with. I'm looking for women who are disease free but have slept with more people then I have fingers and toes. Even better is if said woman has given more blow jobs than there are people on a college football team.

This might sound insane to some people but let me explain my logic to you. The reason for this is I don't want a rank amateur going down on me. I want someone who knows their way around a dick,

Cell phone cams and masturbation

I'm not a slut... I'd like to be but I'm not. I can honestly say that I have not slept with a lot of people. It isn't really something I'm boasting about it because as a man that is a marker of shame. In male culture the more women you've slept with the better.

Update 6/10/13

There really hasn't been much on my mind lately as far as quirky observations or funny thoughts. Honestly, probably half of the jokes I've written on here were really forced and the other half were just me trying to contain a stand bye situational style joke that I've used from time to time.

That being said I've been made aware of an open mic night venue in my area and may be attempting to compartmentalize some of my insane thoughts into a routine to try out, I'll probably eat dick but who knows at least I tried.

Just really been feeling writers burn out from blogging, writing for work and doing blog posts for companies on the side for cash.

American Spirit Parody

Nothing hits you harder then being pistol whipped in the face and having your head stomped in by a bunch of protestant hating Irishman. Second to that would probably be the blast of black tar you get from American Spirit cigarettes as they fill your lungs with that smokey addictive death that will simultaneously further your chances of getting laid while killing you slowly from the inside out. 

Fat Ass, Bad Ass

There is something going on in America, it is an epidemic actually and I am afraid that some of you may be susceptible to it or even have it already.

It is a syndrome that I like to call the "Fat Ass, Bad Ass" syndrome. In case you aren't familiar this is where you are a mildly obese to extremely obese person who wears cut off t-shirts and may or may not wear a backwards baseball cap and black sunglasses.

Old People are Lame

I don't know what it is about getting old. It's like all of a sudden life just isn't interesting any more. Take a moment to listen to middle aged people or someone who has retired from their youth early by having kids and you find that their conversations are lame and boring for the most part.

1 800 Pet Supplies Parody

Lets face you are a crazy pet person who values an animal's life more then you do other human beings. You paid $500 to be a PETA member for life and your personal hygiene sucks since you know anything that will wash the smell of pig manure and animal vomit from your skin was tested on rodents.

Blow Jobs and Porn Stars

I have this theory and I can't say that it is really that scientific of a theory but it involves girls who become porn stars. I don't really watch a lot of porn per se but I am a huge fan of what it represents–that is besides  the point.

No Truth to the Internet and Porn Stars

So sometimes I do a little freelance writing here and there. There are a lot of great websites that you can find work on if you are willing to... well actually work.

I'm really only good at two things writing and fisting... don't ask.

I've come to realize how utterly made up the internet is.

Might be adding additional content

For the past few days I've been doing freelance articles for various websites on topics I know seemingly nothing about.

This seemed like it would be miserable but since it was only for a few extra bones I wrote the most ridiculous things I could think of while staying true to the assignment. It was incredibly fun although exhausting since essentially I was writing almost 6-7 hours a day since I work as a reporter as well and trying to write a blog post every day or two.

A friend of mine thought what I was doing was crazy but funny so I think I may just start writing random tutorials and reviews of things I know nothing about and be as funny as possible. I tend to think of myself as an o.k. writer. I do it good enough to make a meager living off of it.

Story writing always seemed hard but a humorous blog post here and there come a little more naturally.

So I might practice my humor writing chops on here as well and maybe start submitting stuff to some sites like College Humor, Crack and other various entities.

Be on the look out. I'd love to post some of the dumb ass stuff I've written the past few days but since I'm hopefully getting paid for those I don't want to re-post.

McDonald's

The other day I was talking to someone about how McDonald's should pay their employees more. My first thought was, "Are you high?" He then proceeded to light a joint up and blow it in my face.

I mean in all seriousness this seems the most utterly preposterous thing to me. Who in their right mind would think that McDonald's employees deserve more money besides an actual McDonald's employee.

Heaven/Hell and Mötley Crüe

I don't like preachy people in fact as someone who isn't really that religious any longer I grow tired of crazy insane atheists who can't shut up about the Christian right and etc.

There are so many other groups and religion to be prejudice about then Christians. How about we hate everyone equally and treat the Sikh with just as much disrespect and cruelty as we do the Jew down the street.

Ya feel me?

Dwelling on the Funny

So the other day I was watching some old stand up comedy. It was George Carlin one of the guys I always tell people is one of my favorites.

It was good but man did it feel slightly dated. Sometimes I think about these things like are the jokes I'm making now going to be funny in 10,20 or 30 years.

Abortion

It is my belief that most men are pro-choice whether they know it or not. My estimate is about 90% with the 10% being that hazy area of castrated she-males like Morrissey and a-sexual religious types.

Just about everyday I commit about a thousand or so abortions by shooting my hot white load into the toilet bowl and flushing it down.

Crying during sex

If you are a man and you want to avoid talking to your woman after sex I have the perfect strategy for you... cry.

I mean it really. When it comes to sex men want to fuck, cum, and fall asleep. Maybe we can find sometime in there to eat something but for the most part post-sex we want to sleep.

Why Would I Want to Have Kids?

[AUTHOR'S NOTE] This bit was born out of an observation I've made in a few of my friends who don't have kids and are one or two decades older then me. They all seemed happier and were a lot less fat and stressed out all the time. 

It was also born out of a silly conversation I had with my boss about not wanting to have kids because I didn't want to go to AYSO Youth Soccer Games. 

Saying sorry and 12-year-old girls

[Author's Note] I have a pretty dark sense of humor and it seems like fallback topics for laughs are things surrounding rape, pedophilia, drug addiction and anything that is all around dark. In conversation I know how to usually work these in and be funny. Basically, just usually slip things in nonchalantly but in stand up I feel like it has to be different since you are basically a one man show and have no one person to play off of. 

Anyways this next joke is pretty short but I was just trying to think about things I would maybe normally talk about in conversation to be off the wall and absurd

I'm to handsome but I can't talk to women

[Author's Note] So I've sort of re-read through the other two jokes I put up on here and it makes me sound like a crazy misogynist and I swear that I'm not. But for some reason my jokes keep coming across as particularly aggressive towards women. I actually don't hate them. I'm trying to channel some inner self-loathing because hey all comedians are depressed. 

Although I wouldn't classify myself as depressed I usually work part of my real life into jokes whether people know it or not. Of course not everything I say is true which I would hope would be obvious. Like the teeny weeny thing and anything involving an illicit crime. I'm actually a pretty upstanding citizen but for whatever reason dark material is fascinating to me.

The itty-bitty penis bit

[Author's Note] O.K. this is my first post and honestly I have no idea how to write a joke so I am just probably going to use a topic of conversation that I bring up all the time. Mostly, I use this to initiate conversation with people and is fallback topic I use in conversation.  

Usually, I just riff on this topic and like to see where it goes but I'm trying to imagine this in a stand up scenario so I've tried to write a more cohesive style of joke that I could maybe talk to an audience about. 

Welcome

Hello welcome to my new blog. I am not a stand up comedian but I want to give it a shot. I'm not really sure how to write a joke so I figure I'd put up material whether it be funny or bad that I may think about using.

I'm not really sure how you are supposed to write a joke but I figure since I work as a writer that it may be best to do it in a blog post.

Also if you are into strength training and nutrition check out strengthst.blogspot.com where I do a lot of my writing at.