[Author's Note] So I've sort of re-read through the other two jokes I put up on here and it makes me sound like a crazy misogynist and I swear that I'm not. But for some reason my jokes keep coming across as particularly aggressive towards women. I actually don't hate them. I'm trying to channel some inner self-loathing because hey all comedians are depressed.
Although I wouldn't classify myself as depressed I usually work part of my real life into jokes whether people know it or not. Of course not everything I say is true which I would hope would be obvious. Like the teeny weeny thing and anything involving an illicit crime. I'm actually a pretty upstanding citizen but for whatever reason dark material is fascinating to me.
I don't want to sound vain but I know I'm good looking and just about all the women here I know want to have sex with me. This isn't vanity it's the gospel according to your girlfriend... I got this message from god half way between a blow job and having my ass licked.
But the thing is although I know I'm handsome I also have a terrible time with women. I mean yeah I have an undersized dick and I already told everyone here in the audience that. Look I can tell that the ladies are impressed I literally can offer them zero pleasure despite being this cocky about my looks.
I wish I had a meat sword like John Ham but I don't instead if I were probably going to have to compare it to anyone it would be T.V.s Webster from back in the day but that dude was black so he probably still has a girthy one despite having been an undersized dude.
Anyways I promise you I'm not here to talk about my penis all night but I'm a dude so it is a topic that comes up pretty frequently.
Anyways I know I look good but I'm not here to share stories about scoring with skanks in a bathroom somewhere. As much as I'd love to take a girl back behind a dumpster and show her a good time I have to admit I'm not lucky with girls.
I pretty much constantly strike out. I mean seriously I'll be like hey babe hows about you and me go drop acid and go back to my place so I can show you my knife collection. That never seems to work somewhere between acid and knife collection I fail.
Joking aside I am pathetic when it comes to women and I don't know why. It's not like I have to work insanely hard to talk to them because a lot of times people will just come up and talk to me.
You see I have this thing where my inner asshole comes out. I would refer to myself as a nervous asshole... when I get uncomfortable or nervous I become a prick.
The thing is I don't become that prick that all the ladies think is sexy who acts really arrogant ... I just become a prick.
But it is like this weird erratic kind of asshole type of thing.
Girl: Hey how are you?
Me: *mumble mumble*
Girl: Yeah so me and friends are drinking and about ready to make some bad decisions.
Me *mumble mumble*
Girl: So do you want to have sex
Me: FUCK YOU I WILL BURN YOUR BODY AND PISS ON YOUR CORPSE!!!
Actually nothing ever that extreme but I just become this asshole I get really uncomfortable and just don't know how to act around women.
Of course the women I tend to like are assholes as well. I like girls who are self-destructive abusive drunks who make me look sane by comparison.
Girls who can give me a black eye and call me stupid bitchy cunt right in front of about 25 8th graders on a field trip to the zoo.
It's like when you see those parents who act totally awful to their toddler and you are like god why did they even have kids. No one ever stops to ask if that kid was a really cunty kid or anything. Thats what I look for in a girl someone who seems so shitty in public no one stops to ask what I did to deserve it.
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