Harry Potter Al Grown Up

I grew up reading the Harry Potter books and wouldn't say I'm a huge fan, but they were a fun read. I remember when the first book came out– I was just a little kid at the time. When the last book came out I was in my 20s so I literally grew up with these books.

Probably like a lot of people I want another series of books set in this world. I want a series of books about Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny all grown up and not only are they grown ups, but grown ups who ffffuuuccckkk (sleazy voice).

little penis

I am not a cocky guy... in fact I would say I am the opposite of cocky. I'm the sort of guy who is self-deprecating and has just enough hatred towards himself that I figured I'd come up here to talk to you tonight and try to get booed off stage... o.k. no one is booing.... I guess I'm still doing alright.

So, I have some friends who are cocky and they are the type of guys that like to talk about how big their cock is. Now I've heard the argument that having a big cock really doesn't mean anything when it comes to the bedroom... shit I've heard that it kind of hurts and is uncomfortable... but I wouldn't know I haven't taken any large cocks into my body lately.

Stop trying to be funny

I hate people who think they are funny so you can imagine why I hate myself so much. Of course the only reason I think I'm funny is because people actually tell me that I'm funny and make them laugh.

Reflections 7-17-14

I suppose this is going to be more of a reflection of anything else or rather a bit of self-loathing which is always good fodder for comedy.

Nothing probably inspires comedy more then self-loathing or some sort of troubled life. Absent of any sort of substance abuse in my life I'll stick to the self-loathing part. Generally, I wouldn't say I'm the most miserable person but I certainly am self-concious of the what I say and do around people. I probably self-analyze more than any other person that I know.

I feel gross when I watch porn

Everyone has their vices and for me one of those vices like a lot of guys is I like to watch internet pornography. I'm a huge proponent of it and think that a couple of naked people rolling around is pretty harmless.

Tranny Porn

I'm going to be completely honest I don't understand the appeal of tranny porn. I'm not saying that I am against transvestites, transgendered or any other type of bi-gender or no-gender classification. I just don't get the appeal of tranny porn.

Reflections 7-15-14

I haven't been working too hard on my stand up routine lately and that may just because I've been busy with summer. Actually, that isn't really much of an excuse because I should be writing more. Generally, I'm working harder at being humorous in conversation almost to the point where I am probably forcing it.

blow jobs and amateurs

When I look for someone to date the first thing I'm really interested in is how many people they have slept with. I'm looking for women who are disease free but have slept with more people then I have fingers and toes. Even better is if said woman has given more blow jobs than there are people on a college football team.

This might sound insane to some people but let me explain my logic to you. The reason for this is I don't want a rank amateur going down on me. I want someone who knows their way around a dick,

Cell phone cams and masturbation

I'm not a slut... I'd like to be but I'm not. I can honestly say that I have not slept with a lot of people. It isn't really something I'm boasting about it because as a man that is a marker of shame. In male culture the more women you've slept with the better.

Fat Ass, Bad Ass

There is something going on in America, it is an epidemic actually and I am afraid that some of you may be susceptible to it or even have it already.

It is a syndrome that I like to call the "Fat Ass, Bad Ass" syndrome. In case you aren't familiar this is where you are a mildly obese to extremely obese person who wears cut off t-shirts and may or may not wear a backwards baseball cap and black sunglasses.

Old People are Lame

I don't know what it is about getting old. It's like all of a sudden life just isn't interesting any more. Take a moment to listen to middle aged people or someone who has retired from their youth early by having kids and you find that their conversations are lame and boring for the most part.

Blow Jobs and Porn Stars

I have this theory and I can't say that it is really that scientific of a theory but it involves girls who become porn stars. I don't really watch a lot of porn per se but I am a huge fan of what it represents–that is besides  the point.

No Truth to the Internet and Porn Stars

So sometimes I do a little freelance writing here and there. There are a lot of great websites that you can find work on if you are willing to... well actually work.

I'm really only good at two things writing and fisting... don't ask.

I've come to realize how utterly made up the internet is.

McDonald's

The other day I was talking to someone about how McDonald's should pay their employees more. My first thought was, "Are you high?" He then proceeded to light a joint up and blow it in my face.

I mean in all seriousness this seems the most utterly preposterous thing to me. Who in their right mind would think that McDonald's employees deserve more money besides an actual McDonald's employee.

Heaven/Hell and Mötley Crüe

I don't like preachy people in fact as someone who isn't really that religious any longer I grow tired of crazy insane atheists who can't shut up about the Christian right and etc.

There are so many other groups and religion to be prejudice about then Christians. How about we hate everyone equally and treat the Sikh with just as much disrespect and cruelty as we do the Jew down the street.

Ya feel me?

Dwelling on the Funny

So the other day I was watching some old stand up comedy. It was George Carlin one of the guys I always tell people is one of my favorites.

It was good but man did it feel slightly dated. Sometimes I think about these things like are the jokes I'm making now going to be funny in 10,20 or 30 years.

Abortion

It is my belief that most men are pro-choice whether they know it or not. My estimate is about 90% with the 10% being that hazy area of castrated she-males like Morrissey and a-sexual religious types.

Just about everyday I commit about a thousand or so abortions by shooting my hot white load into the toilet bowl and flushing it down.

Crying during sex

If you are a man and you want to avoid talking to your woman after sex I have the perfect strategy for you... cry.

I mean it really. When it comes to sex men want to fuck, cum, and fall asleep. Maybe we can find sometime in there to eat something but for the most part post-sex we want to sleep.

Why Would I Want to Have Kids?

[AUTHOR'S NOTE] This bit was born out of an observation I've made in a few of my friends who don't have kids and are one or two decades older then me. They all seemed happier and were a lot less fat and stressed out all the time. 

It was also born out of a silly conversation I had with my boss about not wanting to have kids because I didn't want to go to AYSO Youth Soccer Games. 

Saying sorry and 12-year-old girls

[Author's Note] I have a pretty dark sense of humor and it seems like fallback topics for laughs are things surrounding rape, pedophilia, drug addiction and anything that is all around dark. In conversation I know how to usually work these in and be funny. Basically, just usually slip things in nonchalantly but in stand up I feel like it has to be different since you are basically a one man show and have no one person to play off of. 

Anyways this next joke is pretty short but I was just trying to think about things I would maybe normally talk about in conversation to be off the wall and absurd